Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), like many other disorders, has become stigmatized as something reserved for military veterans and victims of violence. It is sometimes talked about as if it is faux-paux or made up. It has become so stigmatized that even qualified professionals are afraid to acknowledge it as something much more common. But I want to lift the stigma and bring awareness to everyone that PTSD is not reserved for certain people. It can affect anyone who has experienced any form of trauma. And trauma affects everyone differently. If you have been through trauma and are struggling to move on from it, you are not alone and you are not crazy! I had a therapist who once who just said, "you aren't crazy, a lot of people feel like that", and it was a huge break through for me. So I hope these and all of my words are helpful to you, because we are not alone and you are not crazy.
After Maelyn recovered from her first surgery I was really struggling. I knew what depression was and felt like and generally how to cope, but the anxiety I was having was beyond anything I had experienced before. It was beyond my control, subconscious and I had no way to help myself. It was as if my body and mind were reacting for no reason. We were in the clear, why was I freaking out now? I was having panic attacks over mundane things. I was exhausted and irritated. But my main symptom that was out of control was nightmares. The nightmares actually started when Maelyn was diagnosed inutero but now it was every time I fell asleep. Every night one of my kids was vividly dying and I couldn't help them. How can I control my thoughts at night? I did a quick online search at one point about the types of nightmares I was having and the thing that kept coming up was PTSD. I was like, no no too extreme, so I kept researching, and the more and more I read it made total sense. The bad dreams were consistently every night. They woke me up in a panic and were difficult to get back to sleep after. It was causing me to dread going to sleep and not be able to fall asleep. Which was then making my mood even worse. I was still not convinced of myself diagnosis but I knew I needed help.
Eventually I found an amazing therapist, Jen. God definitely orchestrated our getting together because I don't think there is anyone else out there who could have so effectively walked me through that time. I wish I could have brought her with me to PA! After meeting with me two or three times, she brought up caregiver PTSD. She told me it is a thing and people don't acknowledge it as much as they should but she really affirmed all that I was going through. She also explained that for a whole year I was in fight or flight mode, being strong for my kids, and now that things were "fine" my body was struggling to readjust to the let down of hormones. So I'm not crazy, it's not just "in my head", there are actual chemical things happening in my body. And I'm not alone, other caregivers have the same/similar issues. When we are helplessly fighting day after day for those we care for, it's traumatic. When we have to witness the pain that those we are supposed to be helping and protecting go through, it is traumatic. Hard stuff = trauma. Talk therapy (with the right person) helped a ton. Healing prayer and visualization were also part of my healing journey. Medication has also been a part of my healing journey. I say healing journey because I know that it is going to be a journey for the rest of my life. I had been on antidepressants at anther point in my life, so Jen felt that that could contribute to my brain chemistry and encouraged me to seek medical advice to get back onto some sort of medication. I was hesitant because I did not like that previous experience but I will say now I am grateful for medication. It has truly helped my sleep and the nightmares.
I spent about a year in therapy with Jen. I probably could have stopped sooner, but I love her. I said goodbye to her right before we moved back to PA. I wish I could have brought her with us because I knew we were about to need another open heart surgery. One big hiccup in my healing journey was that I got pregnant. When I got pregnant I stopped all medication and did surprisingly well with it (I think). The problem happened when Nora was born and I was nursing. Between postpartum hormones and the stress of surgery approaching, I started to struggle hard again. The nightmares were back. I could not go back on my sleeping medication until I was done nursing, but I was not going to stop nursing until I left for surgery. I did try to find a therapist here. I mentioned caregiver PTSD and this therapist didn't know what I meant. It was just not a good fit like Jen and I were. I asked around to get a feel if there was someone else around here in PA for me, but I decided to go it alone. I had been through it before, I was slightly more ready for what I was about to experience, but really that didn't help very much. I was not able to get back onto the sleep medication until Maelyn was mostly recovered from surgery #2. Even after I stopped nursing it was hard to find someone who would treat me. I was kind of shocked at the medical system and the lack of sensitivity to mental heath. I could go on and on about the medical system in the US but that is not something I ever really want to get into.
Today everyone is healthy. I am on anxiety medication. I do not have a therapist. Do I feel worried about my kids health? Yes! Of course I do! But I do it to a more normal and control-able level. I do not have panic attacks. I am sleeping ok. I do occasionally have nightmares. But thanks to the anti-anxiety medication the dreams don't stress me out as much and they are not every night. Now they are just irritating because I'm used to it but they aren't supposed to happen. I hope that there is a day that I can be off medication and not be anxious and sleep well, but I don't know when that will happen. It's been a long road getting here, I don't want to mess it up!
Thanks for listening/reading. If any of this resonated with you, please find your Jen. Find a licensed therapist that can help your healing journey. Don't wait. It will be worth it. Ask friends to help you find help. Ask pastoral staff. Ask a doctor. You are not alone. You are not crazy. But it's not supposed to be so hard. I hope this encourages you to speak up and share our story.
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