During the prayer time God really pressed on my heart the word JOY. Ever since our 20 week ultrasound I have had a very hard time feeling joy. Joy about anything, but really joy about my baby. Preparing to have a baby should be joyful, and I should be joyfully waiting her arrival. But all I have had is fear, anxiety, and worry. Anytime that I get a sense of joy, I shoot it down with the reality, all of the different realities that we are facing, and the reality that she could die. I haven't wanted to prepare for her to come home, because there is a chance she wont. I really have not let myself prepare for anything beyond her 6 month mark. So when people have handed me 12 month clothes, I just shove it aside, because I can't think that far. So at the shower, celebrating her and opening presents to prepare for her birth and home coming, I was forced to feel joy for her. It was wonderful. Then I got home and started unpacking presents and getting things ready to wash and put away for her, and all I could think is, what if she never gets to use this? What if she never comes home and I have all of this ready for her? But I can't let myself keep thinking that way, I need to let myself rejoice in the fact that I am having a baby girl. God wants me to feel that joy for her, because He created her to be my baby, my joy and pride. So I am going to try and feel joy, and wait excitedly for her arrival, and maybe that will make the fear and anxiety easier. I spent this afternoon getting her room ready, not just as a guest room (which it is) but as Maelyn's room, ready for her to come home one day.
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