Meeting Maelyn

The 20 week ultrasound is the highlight of pregnancy for me. I love seeing the baby move and all their little hands and feet. But most of all I need to find out gender and that is the most exciting part. With this pregnancy I was pretty sure the whole time that this was my baby girl. She had me so sick, the whole time, and more emotional. I knew she wasn't a boy. But I was still so looking forward to the ultrasound to confirm that she was a girl and we could finally name her! We were excited to tell Ben if he was going to have a brother or sister and tell him her name. I was thinking that if she was a girl I was going to get a pink tut and take a picture of the boys with it! 

On the way to the ultrasound I reminded Tim that as excited as we were, we have to remember that "technically" the ultra sound is meant to look for problems, but that had never been an issue with our boys and we are young, healthy and don't have any reason to be worried. Once we got in the room we were telling the friendly sonographer about Ben and Micah as fetus's and talking about this baby. We told her we wanted to know gender as soon as she saw it so that's where she started. We all saw it at once, she was definitely a girl! The rest of the ultrasound I was just processing having a GIRL and watching that little baby squirm and suck on her hands and toes. I loved watching her move and she looked so cute and perfect. The sonographer was very chatty and bubbly the whole time, talking about little girl. Looking back, I saw the problem but I was so distracted by her being a girl and the bubbly sonographer that I didn't think to ask. So once she was done we were told to wait in the waiting room for our appointment with the midwife and she would bring us out some pictures. Tim and I sat in the waiting room talking about having a girl, and what that would look like and we talked about names. We had one picked out but I had been having second thoughts. I told Tim I was leaving it up to him between the two names. We texted our siblings to let them know she is a girl. After about 40 minutes we went back for our appointment but then sat in the room for almost a half hour, still talking about baby girl. 

My favorite picture because that is a hand and a foot above her face!

Mouth open, sucking on hand

When the doctor came in I was confused because I was supposed to see a midwife. She told us that there was a scheduling confusion and the midwife wasn't in. I had seen this doctor the last time I was in when I was sick so she asked me how I was feeling. We talked about me for a few minutes and then she picked up her stack of paper and pictures. She casually and slowly told us that there were several concerns with the ultrasound and listed them off, one after another. Our baby only has three chambers in her heart. the heart and stomach are supposed to be inline on the left side of the body but our babies stomach is on the right and the intestines should look gray but showed up bright white which is an indicator of something in them. With all three of these things showing up she was pretty sure that it meant that our baby has a chromosomal defect, so she is going to draw blood from me so that they can extract the babies DNA and check for the defect. 

We kind of sat there in shock. I was trying to fight the tears because the way she told us I wasn't sure if it was crying material, but it sounded really scary. She asked if we had any questions. Tim double checked that they were sure and didn't need someone else to check. The doctor was sure that ultrasound was right. I was very concerned about the heart and asked if she could live with only three chambers. The doctor said, no, but if that were the only problem, she would need a series of 3-4 surgeries to fix her heart. But she said that a baby with a chromosomal defect would not survive the surgeries, and we could discus termination if we wanted. I finally really lost it and started to cry. The doctor then left us to process and said she would be back in a few minutes to get me for the blood draw. 

When she left we just held each other and sobbed. We had about 2 hours of happily envisioning our life with a healthy baby girl (not to mention the whole pregnancy) and then suddenly her whole world came crashing down around us. Her little life flashed before my eyes. Through the tears Tim said, "her name is Maelyn Aletta, she needs a name." We talked a little about outcomes, knowing it wasn't good and we swore that God could heal her, knowing that is the only option. The doctor came back and asked how we were doing..... and told us she was sending us to a perinatal specialist. 

We cried some more on the way home. We (sort of) held it together getting the boys, feeding them and putting them down for naps. We let our family know what we had learned, the best we could. And I stared researching online feeling like I had no idea what this all meant. My findings basically just confirmed my suspicions. It does sound like a chromosomal defect which will take her life. If it were just one of the three things, we might have a chance. But even if it is just one of those things it will mean a lot of surgery and intensive medical care.

I laid awake most of the night praying. Praying that God would give us a huge miracle. That we would go back for an ultrasound today and she would be better. But I am praying that if He isn't going to make her better that he would please take her home. Because in heaven she doesn't need her three chamber heart or her stomach and intestines. In heaven she is His perfect angel and she will not suffer through life without a functioning body.