I was blessed to be able to meet with a facebook friend who has gone through her own loss. She shared her story with me and how she walked through the grief and how she walks with it everyday. I am grateful beyond words for her openness and her support. We talked for over 2 hours, about everything. She gave me a book to read called I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. I have only read the first few chapters, but it has already been great. My friend also encouraged me to try to experience Colorado and wants me to fall in love with it here. I am not sure that is going to happen but I told her I would try, for Maelyn's sake, since she is my Colorado baby.
So we did the Colorado thing and drove up into the mountains. The boys took an early nap and then we loaded them, and the dog, into the car, thinking it was a really nice day, we would drive the loveland pass and then go for a walk at Dillon Lake. Well a nice day in Denver looks much different at the top of the mountains. And I guess we thought that our family would be better at road trips since the kids are a little older. Ben was excited at first to see the mountains and the lake, but half way there it was, "moooommy, I wanna go home. I wanna go home. Can we go home." Luckily Micah didn't start to whine until we were about 10 minutes away from the lake. So I'm watching for the lake, I see it on the map right next to us, but I don't see it! And then I realized, duh, it's January, the "lake" (aka reservoir), is totally frozen over and covered in snow. I guess the only lake I've seen in the dead of winter is Lake Ontario and it doesn't freeze over so I wasn't expecting it. But we all needed to get out of the car because we've been sitting for so long, BUT it was freezing and windy. We walked about 50 feet took 2 pictures and headed back to the car.
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| Tim and Ben looking at the eagle with the lake and mountain in the background |
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| Micah and Maelyn at Dillon Lake |
Micah does not like the cold but was really mad about getting back into his seat so we started trying to think of somewhere we could go that he could crawl around. So we went to the Carters outlet which said that it had a play area. The play area was just a small lego table, but it was something and it worked. I walked around and shopped while Tim and Micah played legos and Ben basically just roamed. I wanted to get Ben and Micah matching Big Brother shirts, but Micah's size only had little brother shirts. I also browsed the girl things and thought about what it would be like to be able to get Maelyn cute girl clothes. But we have a long way to go before we can think about clothes. Once the kids were about to destroy the store we went to dinner. They were happy to have crayons and straws and french fries. We never take them to restaurants, they did really well. Then we headed home in the Sunday mountain traffic. Micah was exhausted and fell asleep but would wake up and cry for a few minutes, then fall asleep, then repeat. Eventually he stayed asleep. Ben was bored and whiny. We try to never give him our phones to play with but it became the only option for a peaceful drive. So he was content playing for a while. Then he started to whine and gave me my phone back and I didn't understand why he was whining and then it happened. He threw up. He threw up the last time we attempted a car trip into the mountains, so we were more prepared but we thought we were going to make it home this time! After he threw up and we pulled over and cleaned him up and got back on the road, he fell fast asleep. It was a long day. It took us almost 3 hours just to get home.
I am just not a mountain person, I am not a car trip person (unless I'm going somewhere really worth it, like the beach). I told Tim, I'm sorry, but it wasn't worth it. I think I am going to need another year before we try to attempt the mountains again.
I've been trying to have worship music playing a lot lately. It has been really helpful. God speaks to us through song and it has been keeping me grounded and not letting my mind wander too far. Love and the Outcome has been my go to artist these last 4 months. All of their lyrics just hit me and seem to speak into my life. Specifically, He is With Us, Heart Like You, and The Story You're Building in Me have been my go to songs. Go listen to them! Whenever I am pregnant the song From the Inside Out also holds special meaning to me. For me, pregnancy is an act of worship. I will worship Him from the inside out, including this little life. I've also been reading the psalms, which has been really helpful.
With the high risk of this pregnancy I've been very in tune with Maelyn's movements. And I told Tim, I feel like I need to tell you every time I feel her, just to let him know she's alive and to help him feel connected. Like last night I felt I needed to tell him that she really liked my burger. Each morning I've been waking up and waiting for her. It usually takes me eating breakfast for her to give me a good kick. And each morning I rejoice, she's still alive! I'm trying to think of more ways to make her more a part of our family and for Tim to feel connected. We try to pray for her at night with the boys. The book I started reading has given me some ideas. The main thing is going to be talking about her and being ok with talking about what is wrong with her and figuring out how to do that. Right now it is hard for me to say her name out loud. I know it will get easier, and as we have more answers and a plan for her it will be easier to talk about. We should have a lot more information tonight.
Continue to pray for her heart and her body. Continue to pray for God's will and peace. Pray for the doctors at the children's hospital to have wisdom and hope and that they would see something special in Maelyn.
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