Post Traumatic Stress can happen to you

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), like many other disorders, has become stigmatized as something reserved for military veterans and victims of violence. It is sometimes talked about as if it is faux-paux or made up. It has become so stigmatized that even qualified professionals are afraid to acknowledge it as something much more common. But I want to lift the stigma and bring awareness to everyone that PTSD is not reserved for certain people. It can affect anyone who has experienced any form of trauma. And trauma affects everyone differently. If you have been through trauma and are struggling to move on from it, you are not alone and you are not crazy! I had a therapist who once who just said, "you aren't crazy, a lot of people feel like that", and it was a huge break through for me. So I hope these and all of my words are helpful to you, because we are not alone and you are not crazy.

After Maelyn recovered from her first surgery I was really struggling. I knew what depression was and felt like and generally how to cope, but the anxiety I was having was beyond anything I had experienced before. It was beyond my control, subconscious and I had no way to help myself. It was as if my body and mind were reacting for no reason. We were in the clear, why was I freaking out now? I was having panic attacks over mundane things. I was exhausted and irritated. But my main symptom that was out of control was nightmares. The nightmares actually started when Maelyn was diagnosed inutero but now it was every time I fell asleep. Every night one of my kids was vividly dying and I couldn't help them. How can I control my thoughts at night? I did a quick online search at one point about the types of nightmares I was having and the thing that kept coming up was PTSD. I was like, no no too extreme, so I kept researching, and the more and more I read it made total sense. The bad dreams were consistently every night. They woke me up in a panic and were difficult to get back to sleep after. It was causing me to dread going to sleep and not be able to fall asleep. Which was then making my mood even worse. I was still not convinced of myself diagnosis but I knew I needed help.

Eventually I found an amazing therapist, Jen. God definitely orchestrated our getting together because I don't think there is anyone else out there who could have so effectively walked me through that time. I wish I could have brought her with me to PA! After meeting with me two or three times, she brought up caregiver PTSD. She told me it is a thing and people don't acknowledge it as much as they should but she really affirmed all that I was going through. She also explained that for a whole year I was in fight or flight mode, being strong for my kids, and now that things were "fine" my body was struggling to readjust to the let down of hormones. So I'm not crazy, it's not just "in my head", there are actual chemical things happening in my body. And I'm not alone, other caregivers have the same/similar issues. When we are helplessly fighting day after day for those we care for, it's traumatic. When we have to witness the pain that those we are supposed to be helping and protecting go through, it is traumatic. Hard stuff = trauma. Talk therapy (with the right person) helped a ton. Healing prayer and visualization were also part of my healing journey. Medication has also been a part of my healing journey. I say healing journey because I know that it is going to be a journey for the rest of my life. I had been on antidepressants at anther point in my life, so Jen felt that that could contribute to my brain chemistry and encouraged me to seek medical advice to get back onto some sort of medication. I was hesitant because I did not like that previous experience but I will say now I am grateful for medication. It has truly helped my sleep and the nightmares.  

I spent about a year in therapy with Jen. I probably could have stopped sooner, but I love her. I said goodbye to her right before we moved back to PA. I wish I could have brought her with us because I knew we were about to need another open heart surgery. One big hiccup in my healing journey was that I got pregnant. When I got pregnant I stopped all medication and did surprisingly well with it (I think). The problem happened when Nora was born and I was nursing. Between postpartum hormones and the stress of surgery approaching, I started to struggle hard again. The nightmares were back. I could not go back on my sleeping medication until I was done nursing, but I was not going to stop nursing until I left for surgery. I did try to find a therapist here. I mentioned caregiver PTSD and this therapist didn't know what I meant. It was just not a good fit like Jen and I were. I asked around to get a feel if there was someone else around here in PA for me, but I decided to go it alone. I had been through it before, I was slightly more ready for what I was about to experience, but really that didn't help very much. I was not able to get back onto the sleep medication until Maelyn was mostly recovered from surgery #2. Even after I stopped nursing it was hard to find someone who would treat me. I was kind of shocked at the medical system and the lack of sensitivity to mental heath. I could go on and on about the medical system in the US but that is not something I ever really want to get into.

Today everyone is healthy. I am on anxiety medication. I do not have a therapist. Do I feel worried about my kids health? Yes! Of course I do! But I do it to a more normal and control-able level. I do not have panic attacks. I am sleeping ok. I do occasionally have nightmares. But thanks to the anti-anxiety medication the dreams don't stress me out as much and they are not every night. Now they are just irritating because I'm used to it but they aren't supposed to happen. I hope that there is a day that I can be off medication and not be anxious and sleep well, but I don't know when that will happen. It's been a long road getting here, I don't want to mess it up!

Thanks for listening/reading. If any of this resonated with you, please find your Jen. Find a licensed therapist that can help your healing journey. Don't wait. It will be worth it. Ask friends to help you find help. Ask pastoral staff. Ask a doctor. You are not alone. You are not crazy. But it's not supposed to be so hard. I hope this encourages you to speak up and share our story. 

Tell your (real) story

I've been struggling to find the words lately. I'm feeling unworthy, unqualified, and unable to speak (well, write, actually) to anyone who will listen. Who am I to share my experiences, or what God is teaching me? I am just a girl struggling through life, just like everyone else. (Are those lyrics to a song? Did I just plagiarize?) But I need to remind myself, that is exactly why I need to keep pushing myself to write, to speak my mind, because I am just like everyone else. I am only a child of God. It's that simple. And that's all that matters to qualify me.

Another reason I've been hesitant to write is because suddenly I am afraid that I constantly come across as a downer and negative, and I don't want that. I want to be able to write super honestly, be real, and that will include the good and the bad. Really, I want you to see that the struggles and negatives in my life have actually helped me to be more positive and joyful than ever. That is what I want this blog to be about. My journey through all the stuff to finding the true joy.

But mostly, I'm afraid that I wont be an encouragement. What I want most is for my good bad and in between to encourage you!  I hope that by my honesty and vulnerability it will help you to find the courage to share your story. I saw a quote once on one of my CHD support groups and it said something like, "Keep sharing your story. It might just be the key to help some one unlock their own." It has stuck with me and has been an encouragement to me to keep writing. I know that hearing other peoples stories has helped me process my own journey. And keeping my life lessons to myself helps absolutely no one. I want to say here is my story, the real, non-sugar-coated, hard stuff, and here I am! Now I want to hear yours! Tell me your real story.

If you are going to go through something hard, you want it to have purpose and see something good come out of it. So I want all that we walked through to turn into something good, a story that encourages others. I want to show others that the story is never over. My story isn't over, and neither is yours. It is ever changing, new twists and turns will come, the good the bad and the in between will continue. What truly matters is what you make of it. Will you close yourself off, keep it to yourself, or will you turn it around and make something out of it? It is so cultural to "leave things at the door". When someone is hurting, it is only in the walls of their own home and you leave it there. But what if we welcomed people into our homes, into our lives? What if we let people walk through our doors?  I heard once that empathy is stepping into someone and sympathy is stepping away. Sympathy is saying I'm sorry for you, but empathy is saying I'm sorry, let me sit in this with you. Let's be empathetic, not sympathetic. If you are willing to sit with someone in their hard times, I'm sure you will have people willing to sit with you in yours.

I want to encourage you to stop comparing your story to other people and start opening up and relating with other people. There is no comparison, no person can compare to any other person because we are all totally unique and different, so why even try? We may have had the same experience, but I'm sure we handled it differently and come out of it differently. So instead of even attempting to compare your story to someone else, step into their story, listen and say I can empathize with that, I can relate with you in that. What if we were all vulnerable and honest? Maybe that tough stuff wouldn't be so tough if we walked through it together. Maybe we'd come out the other side with a new vision, a new lease on life and a new joy!

goals

Normally I do not do new years resolutions. Several years ago I realized that I do not like goal setting and that new years resolutions tend to just make me frustrated, so I decided to stop. If you know yourself, and how you work best, you know what you just should and shouldn't do. However this year a friend of mine encouraged me to use one of these fancy planners that have several calendars and make you do a vision board and goal setting for the year and then each month has goals and on and on... Anyway, it was fun, for about 2 weeks. And then February first hit and of my goals for the month I had reached about 55% of each of them but not actually done any of them to completion. I am so frustrated! Sure, sure, I did something and I guess, I appreciate that I did at least part of those goals because who knows what I would have accomplished had I not written anything down. But I think I have decided that that is not the best motivational tool for me. And seeing as it is February 18 and I have not even looked at it to make new goals for the month, I would assume that I am already behind on any goals I would have set! That's just not how I work. All of that said, one of my goals for the year is to blog twice a month. In January, I only got one post up. So half way there! It is already the 18th and I'm just now sitting down at my computer. I do still want to post twice a month, but in this phase of life I am ok with the fact that it just might not happen. But I would still appreciate it if you would come along for the ride with me! I think I'm going to adjust my goal to once a month... And if I do more its just a bonus.

January and February are always such hard months. They are cold and dark and boring! I find myself dreaming of moving to the beach, just about every day. It doesn't help that Maelyn begs to go to the beach every day. I think, maybe Maelyn would handle winters better at the beach and she would be able to live a better life, or maybe I'd be less afraid of anyone getting sick if we lived in the salty breezes. And the more and more I think about it the more and more I want to go and I think maybe it's possible! But then I remember, where you are is not what is important. Life will follow you anywhere. Even paradise isn't paradise when you live there full time. But most importantly God has placed us where we are for a reason. My word of the year is ROOTS, and dreaming of moving to the beach is not helping me feel rooted where I am. I know that we chose to live here for many great reasons and that God has even more reasons than we know. I just need to be content with these winters. On the bright side, winter here is much better than in Rochester!

Another goal of mine is to just do more as a family and to take more trips. This weekend we had Monday off and so I was determined to use the long weekend. I thought, this is a great opportunity to visit the beach! It might be cold but it is still a trip and the beach so lets try it. Well we procrastinated booking a place to stay and then it came up that this weekend was Tim's grandmothers 97th birthday and there was going to be a party for her. I knew we were not meant to go to the beach, but we were meant to so share our time with family. Share our kids with their grandparents and most importantly with their great grandmother. Even though I wanted to go south, and instead we went north. We almost called it off and didn't go at all out of fear of illness. But, it was so good. The kids did great in the car and staying in new rooms. They loved seeing everyone and everyone loved being able to see all the kids. Their great grandmother was so happy to see her great grandchildren and be able to hug and kiss them. They pray for her every night and I'm sure that is how she's still going at 97 years strong.

I had several other goals. But I'm letting any time frame go. Because if grandma Stocker taught me anything, it's that even if I get to have 97 years, life is short. So I think taking it one day at a time and treasuring my family is about all I need right now.

Love

If you could only instill one thing in your children what would it be? I feel like most people would say hard work, or something of the sort. But I believe that the only thing you need to be, is loving. If you can love others and love yourself, everything else will flow out of that. Kindness, empathy,  respect, humility, integrity, responsibility, forgiveness, all naturally flow out of love. And if you exhibit those qualities, I believe, you will be respected and successful. If you look at Jesus' teachings, they all come back to love. Even the first commandment is to love God! So I try to make love and kindness a first and foremost everyday in our house. 

I just finished putting up my valentines decorations. I think I might like putting up valentines decorations as much as Christmas decorations, maybe. I love having reminders of love all over the house. I often leave some of them up year round, because love isn't a passing holiday. But I put my valentines decorations out earlier than most because they perfectly fit the theme of our next holiday. On January 21 our family has Family Life Celebration Day. It's kind of like valentines day just for the 6 of us. Some adoptive families celebrate "gotcha day" and people celebrate all different types of anniversaries. Well January 21 is kind of like our "gotcha day" for Maelyn, and all of our kids. It was the day that we were told that we would never get to meet Maelyn. The first doctor to look at her by ultrasound, at my 20 week appointment, told us that she would not be able to live with the heart that she has and that we would need to let them know when we were ready to terminate the pregnancy. Luckily that doctor was wrong, Maelyn is able to live with that heart. We learned a lot about fetal development and life and death through that experience, but really we learned that every day of every life is a miracle and a blessing. We learned that life, health, time, nothing is guaranteed. So on January 21 we celebrate each other. We give gifts, have fun together and love on each other. We remember how lucky we are to have each other. It is not all about Maelyn, it is not about the negativity of that day. It is about our family and how blessed we are to have had each day together, and how lucky we will be to have more days together. I got a new decoration this year. It's a banner that says, "Love Every Moment". I think that sums up Family Life Celebration day pretty well, love each other like God loves you, and love each and every moment He gives us.