When we are weak

Why is it that we always seem to be challenged in the places that we are most uncomfortable? Those who love to work seem to be the ones who loose their jobs and are forced to rest. Those who fear death loose someone close to them and are left to face the loss. Those who are the healthiest get the devastating diagnosis and have to fight to regain their health. This isn't always the case, but doesn't it usually feel like it? 

In my case, I hate moving. I grew up in one house and never moved until I went to college. I always wanted the same thing when I had a family. Buy one house that suited our needs and never move. Do you know how many different addresses I have used since my freshman year of college? Eleven. (It's only been 14 years) I still to this day have nightmares about moving. I told Tim this morning that I woke up in a bad mood because I was having a dream that I was planning another move and was stressed about it! Every move stressed me out. Most of them I hated and I cried, a lot. Most of those were moves that were not my choice, or were partially my choice but I went kicking and screaming. Some of them were happy moves that didn't make me cry, but still stressed me out. But each one of those addresses taught me a lesson. Some big lessons, some small. Each time I felt pushed, pulled and stretched. I don't think I'll ever look back and say that I appreciate those lessons, but honestly they have made me who I am today, and that I do appreciate. 

Before we moved to Colorado our church preached a series called something like stepping out of the boat. Talking about Jesus calling Peter out onto the water (Matthew 14:25-33). Talking about getting uncomfortable for God. Saying yes to things that are hard. Doing thing that are part of our weakness. So when the opportunity to move to Colorado came up, we prayed about it, felt it was God calling us to step out of the boat in faith. We knew it would be hard, we didn't know why Colorado, why so far, why that timing. (This would be the move that I went kicking and screaming.) God wanted us to be okay with being uncomfortable, to practice letting him use our weakness. Because He knew a bigger challenge was up ahead. 

One year and three weeks after we made the big move to Colorado our baby was diagnosed with one of the most severe heart defects out there. At first we were told she would not live. That was so hard to hear, but, I hate to admit this, at that time, I was slightly relieved. I told God that I would rather he take her to heaven than have a medically needy child. I did not think I could handle all that she would need medically. I knew I was weak. I did not want to have to walk through surgeries. I did not want to have to see doctor after doctor. I wanted healthy kids! But life challenged me further, she didn't die, she was born with half a heart. And I am so thankful. I am weak. I am uncomfortable. I do hate her appointments. Surgeries have been nightmares for me. (Literally, I still do have nightmares.) But I have grown. I have learned lessons. I have been stretched and pushed and pulled and most importantly, loved. My kids are love. I still feel like I can't be a mom to medically needy kids, but by the grace, strength and power of my God, I can. I can because my kids are who they are and they embrace it and run with it and they love me as much as I love them. Actually I tell them that I love them more than they love me, but who's keeping track?

Can I encourage you to something? Step out of the boat. It will be hard but it will be worth it. Step out of the boat, choose get uncomfortable, before you get pushed out of the boat. Life happens. Hardship and trials will come your way. Life knows where you are weak and it will push your buttons, so before the unavoidable happens, grow yourself. I can't promise it will be fun or pretty, but I promise you will be blessed by it. So, what's your weakness? What are you afraid of? 

Here is one way you might be able to try this. Who makes you uncomfortable, who are you afraid to get close to because their life is just too much for you to handle? When you read my stories, are you overwhelmed? Does it make you uncomfortable to put yourself in my shoes? What if you befriended someone who is different from you, or who is going through something that scares you? What if you choose to empathize? What if you stop comparing yourself or your story, and start relating with them? Dive out of the boat into uncomfortable, I promise it will be worth it. You will realize that when you are weak, you find a strength inside of yourself that isn't yours (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). 

The Joy in the morning

Have I told you about Nora's middle name? Our boys have family names as middle names. So we had two family names picked out for girl middle names before we had any girls. Lyn and Aletta. The day that we found out about Maelyn's heart we changed her name from Nora Lyn to Maelyn Aletta. The Lord told us that her name was not to be Nora. And we thought that this was going to be our last baby so we figured this way we could use both middle names and be done. After Maelyn was born, we were done having kids, but I always thought about Nora. (Read Meeting Nora). I still thought about baby names, actually I still do. Is that weird? A little, it's okay. But at the time, as I thought about the concept of Nora, I wondered to the Lord what her middle name would be if it wasn't Lyn. And as Maelyn grew, and we walked through surgery and recovery and physical therapy, the Lord kept putting Nora on my mind. I don't remember exactly when but He told me that her middle name was supposed to be Joy. Joy was to come after all of the sorrow (John 16:20). After nights of crying over Maelyn's heart, Joy would come in the morning (Psalm 30:5). The Joy of the Lord was the strength  that got us through (psalm 28:7). Nora is the walking symbol of all of this. Her name means the Light and the Joy of the Lord. 

My mommy heart broke when I was told that Maelyn's heart was broken. Maelyn is truly perfect. She is who God made her to be. In the eyes of both her earthly father and her heavenly father she is perfect and there is nothing wrong with her. Even in her own eyes, she is healthy and great, and I pray that she always views herself as perfect and special. But as a mother, having a child from your womb be born imperfect, broken, not as she should be, and needing painful interventions, it is indescribably difficult. Knowing that my baby came from my body. Just knowing that she will have a different life. Knowing that she will never be healed. Watching her fight for life. Watching her miss milestones. Watching her struggle with different things. Waiting for things to get better, but knowing she will never be fully healed. All of these things were crushing my heart and my joy. But the Lord had a plan. When Maelyn was a year and a half old Nora Joy came to be. The Lord was fulfilling his promise.

Eleanora Joy is about to turn one. Watching her grow this year has been so healing. Her first year has been pretty much the opposite of Maelyn's first year. Nora has been perfectly healthy. She has hit milestones early. She has been loud and active. Nora is so full of love and joy. She wants to be one of the big kids. She is the perfect little sister for her siblings and completes our crazy little family so well. Nora loves her siblings so much and is so incredibly loved by them. We could not imagine life without her. She has brought a joy to our life that we didn't know we were missing. Nora has been slowly healing my mommy heart just by being her. I believe she has also helped Ben, Micah and Maelyn heal from the difficult year we had after Maelyn was born. God is so good to have planned all of this in advance and blessed us with Nora. She really brings us light and joy everyday.