While we lived in Colorado I tried to have a word of the year each year. And it was always so interesting to see how the word played out in my life. It was not always how I imagined it would, but it was always a perfect fit. It was a fun little thing and made for a great way to reflect on the past year and focus on the next year. In 2018 I did not do it. I didn't pick a word and I didn't even think about it. Let's face it, I had a newborn and was way to overwhelmed with everything else to think of one word! But if I did have one, it probably would have been Survive. I was drowning with 4 kids, a new home and looking my daughters surgery in the face.
To pick a word this year I decided to look back on the words of last five years. 2014 did not have an official word, but it was probably Change. We had a newborn and just moved to across the country to a place we had never been before and didn't know a soul. 2015 was Heart. It started as a word for love and allowing Jesus to reign in our hearts. But it became even more fitting as we discovered Maelyn's heart defect and had her first surgery. 2016 was Life. We were coming out of a super hard year. I had been so consumed with worry over the death of my children that I needed to shift my focus to life and experiencing it to the full. 2017 was a year for Joy. I was determined to choose it and live it because I had realized that true joy only comes from the Lord. This is also the year that Nora was conceived, born and named, Joy. 2018... Like I said it didn't have a word, but if I had to pick one now, it was probably Survive. We had recently moved, I had a newborn, I was struggling to balance 4 kids and new schools. I was just trying to survive each day. Also there was surgery. Which gives survive its deeper meaning.
Now that the year of survival is coming to a close, 2019 needs a great theme. After reviewing the past words and years, honestly the new word came easily. Roots. Our life has been in an upheaval in so many ways over the last five years. I want to grow roots that dig deep and stay still. I want to be so rooted that I am still and at peace. I want to be rooted in our family, in our church and in community. We have moved so much that it's hard to feel settled. It's hard to feel like we have community outside of our family. We've had so many trials that even though I know I am so rooted in Christ, I want to go deeper. I want my kids to securely rooted in Christ and in community. I think roots is going to be a lot about community. Even though we moved back to the same town, it's not the same community. And even though we have been here for a year and a half, I still feel like we just got here. I want to feel settled, nestle in for the long hall, make connections, be involved, feel needed, wanted and nourished so that I can continue to grow.
When I think of the image of roots, I think of the tress in Hawaii. Their branches would grow both up and down. I love that image of the green leaves reaching up and spreading out so far they were like protective ceilings but they would also send shoots stretching down from the branches to the soil below. I loved the huge trees who's roots were just everywhere. They were growing up and over and around and down. They were a tangled mess but they ensured that the tree was not moving and was getting what it needed. You couldn't even count the number of roots they had and the shoots going down from the branches had to the cut back by the people who were using the trees for coverage. I want to have crazy roots. And I want the wisdom to cut back what I don't need. I want to stretch out and flourish right where I'm planted.
I was recently asked by a close group of friends to reflect on 2018, remembering highs and lows, as we anticipate the new year. To which I promptly replied, pass! As soon as they suggested we do this I knew I couldn't, and I wanted to leave the room. At first I didn't even want to stay for the conversation because I knew that hearing from them all would force me to think about my own life as I related with them. As we went around the table and I listened to my friends share their deepest reflections, I was so touched. We have all had such different life circumstances, yet could relate to each other so personally on the emotional level. We all have highs and lows. We all feel deeply. We all have fear. We are all juggling a million things. I felt incredibly bad passing on my turn. It was not that didn't want to share. I was not afraid to talk with these women. If I'm going to dive into something, this is the group of people I would want to do it with! The thing is that I am not ready to reflect on this year. I might not ever be. These last five years have been incredibly difficult. Two of those years were actually great while being difficult. The rest, I have either blocked out, forgotten or am trying to forget. The worst part is that those years include both of my daughters first years.
As a parent of kids with medical diagnosis you have to be strong, you have to be brave, you have to have everything put together. But on the inside, I'm a mess. It's like how Maelyn looks totally normal on the outside, but inside her chest is a total mess. Well on the outside I look like a totally normal mom, but on the inside I feel like a mess of emotional scars. But luckily I realize that, aren't we all? This whole adulting thing is kind of a scam... I think, on the inside, we are all actually still kids just trying to figure out what we are doing and how to raise other kids.
So, if I truly reflect on my year, I see how I struggled to make it. This year was consumed by preparing for surgery, going through the recovery, and then trying to be normal again. And I, as the mom, probably did a fine job on the outside, but on the inside I have a lot of scars that I am not ready to deal with. Did you know that there is such as thing as caregiver PTSD? Well it's very real and probably more common than people think. I will have to write a whole other post on that topic. But that is why I can not reflect on this year. It is too hard. Moving forward is already harder than I expected it to be. I'm not ready to look back.
Just before writing this I was sitting at my desk, stitching together a mini heart pillow for Koko the lovie. Maelyn has been saying that Koko is sick now and has been bandaging her up and trying to help her feel better. Koko has spent extra time in bed and Maelyn said that she thinks Koko needs a little heart pillow just like the one she got at the hospital to help her feel better. Of course I said I can help you with that!, hoping this means that Maelyn is processing what she went through. As I was finishing the pillow I realized I was sad but relieved that Koko is sick. Maybe once Koko is all better I can start to heal too.
