reflecting on 2018

I was recently asked by a close group of friends to reflect on 2018, remembering highs and lows, as we anticipate the new year. To which I promptly replied, pass! As soon as they suggested we do this I knew I couldn't, and I wanted to leave the room. At first I didn't even want to stay for the conversation because I knew that hearing from them all would force me to think about my own life as I related with them. As we went around the table and I listened to my friends share their deepest reflections, I was so touched. We have all had such different life circumstances, yet could relate to each other so personally on the emotional level. We all have highs and lows. We all feel deeply. We all have fear. We are all juggling a million things. I felt incredibly bad passing on my turn. It was not that didn't want to share. I was not afraid to talk with these women. If I'm going to dive into something, this is the group of people I would want to do it with! The thing is that I am not ready to reflect on this year. I might not ever be. These last five years have been incredibly difficult. Two of those years were actually great while being difficult. The rest, I have either blocked out, forgotten or am trying to forget. The worst part is that those years include both of my daughters first years. 

As a parent of kids with medical diagnosis you have to be strong, you have to be brave, you have to have everything put together. But on the inside, I'm a mess. It's like how Maelyn looks totally normal on the outside, but inside her chest is a total mess. Well on the outside I look like a totally normal mom, but on the inside I feel like a mess of emotional scars. But luckily I realize that, aren't we all? This whole adulting thing is kind of a scam... I think, on the inside, we are all actually still kids just trying to figure out what we are doing and how to raise other kids. 

So, if I truly reflect on my year, I see how I struggled to make it. This year was consumed by preparing for surgery, going through the recovery, and then trying to be normal again. And I, as the mom, probably did a fine job on the outside, but on the inside I have a lot of scars that I am not ready to deal with. Did you know that there is such as thing as caregiver PTSD? Well it's very real and probably more common than people think. I will have to write a whole other post on that topic. But that is why I can not reflect on this year. It is too hard. Moving forward is already harder than I expected it to be. I'm not ready to look back.

Just before writing this I was sitting at my desk, stitching together a mini heart pillow for Koko the lovie. Maelyn has been saying that Koko is sick now and has been bandaging her up and trying to help her feel better. Koko has spent extra time in bed and Maelyn said that she thinks Koko needs a little heart pillow just like the one she got at the hospital to help her feel better. Of course I said I can help you with that!, hoping this means that Maelyn is processing what she went through.  As I was finishing the pillow I realized I was sad but relieved that Koko is sick. Maybe once Koko is all better I can start to heal too.