Ben turns 3

Nana and G-Pa (my parents) came to visit for Ben's birthday. Ben was very excited to drive to the airport to go get them. We almost didn't make it because my car started to give me trouble again. But we were able to get them and then I took my car back to the shop and got a rental so that we could still go places. 

 The boys have been loving their time with Nana and G-pa. Lots of reading, playing, tickling and hugs! Also lots of potty training cheering! My boys love to read. I've been very grateful to have others around to read to them for a change. They read the same books over and over and it drives me nuts sometimes! Sine being sick the last 2 weeks it has been hard to read and I haven't been doing it, so they are making up for it with their Nana and G-pa! The weather has been nice, so we have also had lots of outside play time. 

 Ben asked for a Percy and Thomas birthday (which I was pleased about because I was able to reuse the leftover party supplies from his birthday last year)! I tried to add more green decorations to convince him that it was a "Percy Birthday". He wore the party hat almost all day, it was adorable. Ben has been asking for 'chocolate Percy cake' for a couple weeks. He was disappointed that Percy wasn't on the cake, Thomas was. But then he got to play with the Thomas train and eat the chocolate cake and all was well. I wish I had a picture of opening presents. Now that he's 3, he knows how to do presents and he just ripped them all open faster than we could even look at them. There was paper and stuff just everywhere. It was chaos! We also had family face timing on both of our phones. He got a lot of clothes and shoes, which he wasn't thrilled about (but I was!). His big present was a bike, which we thought he would be excited about, but he wont even try it. He is not your typical 'boy', he's kind of a chicken, but I am grateful, easier for me! Micah on the other hand would have been on that bike in an instant if he could! Ben also got a bubble mower, which is safer and he really enjoys!

On Saturday we went to Ben's favorite place, the Colorado Railroad Museum. Our friends came with us and Ben got to show his friend his all the trains. It was a beautiful day! While our friends and family on the east coast were in snowsuits, we were all in shorts and t-shirts! We had a hot dog and cupcake picnic at the museum, our first picnic of the season. It was such a fun time. When we got home we were all exhausted and took great naps!

Ben had a wonderful birthday weekend! We are so happy to have Nana and G-pa here. And the weather we have been having is such a blessing. My car was fixed by Friday and has been running fine. Please pray that it does not give us any more trouble! Ben has been without diapers for a week now. It has been very trying, and Ben has had his ups and downs all week, but we are determined. Please pray that Ben would stop fighting it and would be willing to use the potty. 

I had an OB appointment this week and was informed that starting in mid April, because she is at a much higher risk of still birth, I will need to be seen twice a week to monitor fetal distress. I knew that we were going to have a lot of appointments but, twice a week, minimum, oh my. I am going to just have to start taking the boys with me and figuring out how to entertain them while being strapped to the monitors. There is also a chance that each of these appointments will be $50 and not counted in our out of pocket max, since that is how all of my other appointments have been. So even though our annual out of pocket max seems manageable, all of these co-pays are going to add up to a whole other amount that we were not expecting. Just pray that this is not the case and insurance does not charge us all of these co-pays. Keep Maelyn in your prayers. As she gets bigger her chance of surviving through surgeries increases, but I guess her risk of still birth also increases. And as we get closer to her due date I get more scared. I feel like she is safe in there and once she is born all of this stuff is going to start happening that is out of my control. I start thinking about having my baby girl and feeling excited, but then reality hits where I remind myself that it isn't going to be like having a normal newborn. We are still praying for a complete miracle, that God would transform her heart, grow her right ventricle, and she would be born healthy. 

Understanding DILV

Now that we have found a house, and there is slightly less stress in that department right now, I've realized how much house hunting was just an unwelcome distraction from everything with Maelyn. Now that we know where we will be living, I am back to trying to figuring out how we will be living. For one, just how to live with three kids, three and under. No less how to live with double inlet left ventricle, the hospital stays, the doctors appointments, the open heart surgeries, the catheter heart surgeries, the "Fontan Heart", and not to mention Glycogen Storage Disease. 

I've been attempting to read the book Heart Warriors, by Amanda Adams. It is her story of walking through her son's congenital heart defect. It's been really hard to read. I end up reading a chapter to a few pages and not being able to keep reading through my own tears, knowing that we are going to go through similar surgeries. I've also been researching more blogs of families who have been through this to try and prepare. I know every case is different, and I don't know what is going to happen, but I need to prepare myself because it is going to be a long hard road. I found one blog this week that I was relating to and was excited to read about how their son is doing, but they stopped blogging after his first surgery. But I really want to share one of their posts with you because the father does a great job explaining what DILV is, and how hard it is to explain. I hope their post helps you understand what we are facing. 

The Dunlap Family Journey: Understanding DILV

Thank you for praying for us as we have been walking through a lot these last few weeks. Thank you for all of the cards and messages we have gotten. Continue to pray that things calm down and things with the new house keep going smoothly. Pray my car is finally fixed and stops giving us problems. Pray for upcoming appointments, that Maelyn continues to look healthy and that her heart would miraculously heal. Praise God, Tim's company had lay offs this week and he is still there. Pray that his job only gets better with the coming changes to his position. Praise God my parents are here for a few days to celebrate Ben's birthday!

I want to share some verses that have been standing out to me this week. 

This verse was huge for me when we moved here and I was struggling with being in CO and it has been appearing a lot lately. Isaiah 43:19, For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. 

And Psalm 25. 

A little more chaos

I'll tell you, our life is just never boring. I was thinking the other day, it will slow down and get back to normal, but then I remembered, no it wont. With the up coming surgeries and the fact that we will be living with this heart problem forever, life will never be the same. But eventually, I hope, life will feel 'normal' again... some day.

I've just resigned to things just not going our way. I am not surprised any more. Since my last update I got sick, my car died, the dog busted his chin, and Tim's car got hit. By the time Tim called and told me he was rear ended, I just said, "ok". I feel like I actually knew it was coming. Luckily, the dog is fine, the vet bill was not as much as I thought it was going to be, Tim's car is actually fine, we are not going to take the time to get the scratch on the bumper fixed, and things with the new house are going really well. We were under legal contract by Saturday night. When Tim got the document in his email he showed it to me and I just started crying. I hadn't let myself feel relieved or excited about it until I saw those signatures. After having so many offers rejected, it was so surreal to see that contract signed. It was almost too easy! We had the home inspection yesterday and that went really well. No big issues, no big surprises, just little minor fixes that Tim can do. My car has been out of commission since Monday. Tim was up all night Tuesday working on it and decided to take it in. He found a good shop to take it to and they are still trying to fix it. We are hoping to have it back tomorrow. Pray that they can fix it! We did have the thought, do we need a new car too? Ugh! I hope not. I've been sick all week, pregnancy makes getting over colds so much harder. I feel like I've been sick for the majority of this pregnancy! Monday, my car died while trying to take Micah to get his blood drawn, again. So Tuesday Tim took him and it was another traumatic experience. I am really glad Tim was there and not me.

Micah has been walking like a champ! He almost doesn't crawl any more. Of course that means he gets a new bruise on his face every day! And the sibling rivalry has stared to rear it's head more. But I am very glad he is walking. It makes playing outside easier and he is much more self sufficient. He can go get his own cups and toys, and he is just amused by walking, it's a new game. Now he just needs to work on using words instead of grunts. When we move, Micah and Ben will be moving into one bedroom and I am thinking Micah will make the move into his big boy bed too. I am getting more nervous for them to share a room, even though that was the plan the whole time. I just see them sleeping so much less (especially for naps), which means less down time for me. I know there will be an adjustment time, I just hope that it is a fast adjustment and they learn to sleep with each other fast. We will only have 4 short weeks between moving and Maelyn being born. If you have any tips for having a 3 year old and 1.5 year old share a room, let me know!

This week Tim has been extra super husband/daddy. I am so grateful. He has been doing everything plus keeping up with work, even though he has missed a lot of time in the office. I just got so overwhelmed and then I got sick and then I didn't have a car, I have been useless this week. Tim has been sacrificing his time and sleep to make sure everything is in order with the new house and with Micah and Ben and my car and me, and you wouldn't even know it. He is so relaxed and happy and even keel all the time. I don't know how he does it, but he does it with such grace and love, even when I am so not being graceful and loving. I know God put us together for so many reasons, and that is a huge one. I am so thankful for my husband.

Praise you Lord for Tim and who you created him to be. Praise you God for our new house, I can not wait to make it our home. Praise you God for my adorable little boys and how you are growing them everyday. Lord I pray that you are preparing Maelyn for life, it might be a hard life but I pray it will be a life that will be so glorifying to You. And God, I pray that all these little things would stop happening and that more good little things would come our way instead. God protect our family.

My crazy, crazy, week

This last week has been one of the longest and hardest weeks of my life. One week ago we were looking at two houses that were both great for our family but both wanted offers that day. We decided to offer on the more expensive one that didn't need any work, because it was in our neighborhood. We found out Monday morning that we were out bid and quickly put an offer on the second house we had looked at, however, so did everyone else who lost out on the first one. We were out bid again. By Tuesday we had lost out on three great houses, all because we were out bid every time. So Tuesday night we quick ran out to look at another house that was smaller and needed a ton of work done to it. Feeling unsure about it, I asked to go look at a house I had seen online that was out of our price range but had been on the market for almost a month (which is crazy long for this market), hoping they would work with our budget. Wednesday morning I needed to take Micah for a morning fasting blood draw so we decided to meet up at that house after. 

The morning went horribly. I took Micah up to the Children's Hospital north campus. We ended up waiting longer that usual so I was getting nervous we were going to be late to look at the house. Then the phlebotomist that was there had seen us last time we were there and had trouble getting Micah's blood, so I was nervous having her do it again. He started to get upset because he was hungry and I think recognized the room and knew what was coming. I was doing my best to entertain him and keep him happy but this phlebotomist was having a hard time finding where to stick him. She eventually decided to try and she got nothing. I don't know how it was even possible but not a drop of blood came out. She was sticking the needle in and out and wiggling it around and poking at it with her finger and Micah was just screaming and I started to cry. It was horrible. She apologized but told me she was the only one there so no one else could come try. I basically just scooped Micah up and ran out furious. I called Tim to tell him how upset I was and that we were just on our way to the house. Luckily we made good time getting there and I calmed down by the time we got there. We looked at the house knowing it was out of our price range and liked the house a lot, but it needed a lot more work than I had anticipated. So we needed time to think about both houses we had just looked at and discuss them, but in this market we needed to put offers in that day. We decided to put our low ball offer in on the expensive house, knowing we would probably loose the other one in the mean time and that our offer would most likely be rejected. I called Micah's doctor later to tell him that the blood draw didn't happen. He said that Micah could get his blood drawn in the afternoon, after his appointment the next day, as long as he fasts between an early breakfast and the end of the appointment. To top off the day, Micah took a bad fall, hitting his face on the coffee table and has a nice black eye. 

Thursday morning we found out that the offer was countered with a higher price, which we said no we can't pay that much, and we found out that other house was waiting for an offer from us. In the mean time I was trying to get ready to take Micah to his metabolic appointment and have someone come over to watch Ben for the afternoon and I'm trying to juggle phone calls and texts from the realtor and Tim and relaying info and trying to make decisions. Micah needed new clothes, Ben was getting into things he shouldn't have, I was trying to pack and I felt like I didn't really like either house option but we just need to get one because they are all that is left and we need a house. It all became too much stress for me and I had a break down. I lost it and I yelled at the kids and I yelled and cried to Tim on the phone and I told him I was done. I told him I needed him to call the realtor, I couldn't be the go between right now and he needed to just make the decision to offer on the smaller needy house or to go up in price on the bigger house but I couldn't think about it any more. He knew I wasn't super excited about either but he knew that I just needed to know we had a house, so he didn't know what to do either. He called while I was in the car on the way to the Children's Hospital and said he decided to go even higher on the expensive house, which I was surprised, but if he was ok with it, I was ok with it. 

Micah and I got to his appointment and it was going well, after I explained the black eye. He was clingy and fussy because he knew he was at the doctors and he had to fast through snack, lunch and it was getting close to nap but he was doing pretty well. We went over his genetic results which were really interesting. He has GSD 9. They know this because of the gene that the mutation is on but the specific mutation of that gene is one that has not been documented in literature yet. Even more interesting is that he is also a carrier for GSD 5. It is very bizarre that he has GSD 9, which is an x-linked disorder, and he is a carrier for GSD 5, which is a recessive disorder. They are also completely different types of the disease. 9 only affects the liver and is passed on by the mother through the X gene and 5 only really affects the muscles and is a recessive gene that would have to be passed on by both parents. I will find out in a couple weeks if he got GSD 9 from me or if it was just a random mutation. It is all just so bizarre that I am pretty sure he is just a random mutation. We are pretty sure the GSD 5 is on Tim's side of the family. We also discussed his corn starch regiment and how that might change in the future, but they need to see his labs first (which didn't get done). As for now, he needs that 2 am corn starch. That is the thing that is making him better. So we will keep doing that until they can get him on to a different supplement that is longer lasting than the corn starch, but that will be a couple years. The last thing that we talked about, which upset me a little, is that his growth has slowed down a lot. He was on a steady curve for his first year and then at 12 months he basically stopped growing in length. He has moved to 18 month shirts and PJ's to accommodate his belly (which is looking better), but his 12 month pants are still fitting well, if not too big. So they need me to send his measurements after his 18 month well check this month and then he needs to go back to see his metabolic team right before Maelyn is born. I had been hoping that we wound't have to go back for a whole year. We know that slowed growth is a symptom of GSD 9, and I don't know what they are going to do about it, but they need to monitor it closely. 

After the appointment we needed to go to the lab and have blood drawn again. While waiting I checked my several texts and voice mails from Tim and the realtor about the houses. Tim had gone up in price on the expensive house but they had gotten another offer and "decided to go a different direction". But apparently the other house was still waiting for our offer. We went into have blood drawn. We have never had a bad experience at this lab. He needed his lactate levels checked so they had to draw from his hand, so there were two women doing it. They had me put Micah on my lap and pin him between me and the table. The one woman held his hand and arm and the other woman did the needle and everything. Of course Micah was upset, it was late, he was hungry and he was being held down pretty tight. But then, I couldn't believe it, the needle slipped out of his hand and his blood squirted out all over the table and the woman holding him. So they had to quick pick it up and stick it back in. I started crying, hiding behind Micah's head whispering, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry". They took a tube, put a bandaid on him and quickly wiped his blood off themselves. We were all so upset I quickly got him his milk cup which helped him a lot and left crying. I, pregnant lady, really needed to pee. So we went into the public restroom, both of us crying. I just put my sunglasses on to try and hide as we walked to the car, but once I got to the car I saw the mascara running down my face. I got Micah in his car seat, gave him his food and lovies and I sat in the door crying. We had two horrible blood draws in two days. I'm sick of watching my baby be tortured. And then I just think about how this is nothing compared to what Maelyn is going to go through, and I can't even keep it together now. I got in the driver seat and called Tim. He thought I was still crying because of the houses, but at this point the houses were not even on my mind. I just don't want to watch my babies suffer, it's not fair and it hurts more than anything. 

So once I calmed down, I started driving and thinking about houses again. As far as I knew, we lost the expensive house, we were not excited about the other house that was still waiting for us to offer. And just thinking, Lord, do we settle for this house to be safe, or do you have something else coming? What do we do? We need to make this decision, like right now. And as I'm driving I got a text from my good friend Erika, who lives two doors down from us, telling me she talked to her friend, Betti, who lives across the street from her, and Betti told her that her house is for sale, but she doesn't want to use a realtor and wasn't planning on moving until summer. When I got home I called Erika to talk about her conversation with Betti and to ask her if she thought I should call Betti or not. Erika asked Betti if she wanted to talk to me about her house and then sent me Betti's number to call her. I then received a phone call from Micah's doctor we had just met with. She said she has good news and bad news. Good news is Micah looks great and his lactate levels were great. The bad news is they forgot to draw blood for the five other tests they needed done (probably in the chaos of blood squirting all over them), so he needs to do another fasting blood draw in the next couple of days... Holy cow is this frustrating. I told Tim he has to do it, I can't do it again. Three attempts at fasting blood draws in one week, is just too much for me, no less a little boy. 

I eventually called Betti, thinking I was going to leave a voice mail, but she answered and was expecting my call. Tim was on his way home early from work because he knew I was having a horrible day, and walked in while I was talking to her. I don't even know exactly how the conversation went but I told her we were interested in buying her house, but we didn't want to cause her more stress by doing it before she was ready (she has been going through some hard stuff lately too, which is why she is moving), and we are on a quick time frame but if she thought it was right we were very interested. She gave me a price range, which was right within ours, and said we should come look at it because we might not even like it, to which I told her, I'm pretty sure I'm going to love it and the next thing we knew we were walking up the street to go meet her and look at her house. We looked at it, loved it, agreed on a price, told her we wanted it, talked about how to do it without realtors, said we would both do some research and get back to each other. So in a matter of a few hours we had found our perfect home, we didn't have to compete for it, or settle for anything, we just had to figure out how to logistically and legally buy it. I know that this point I should have been super excited and relieved, but nothing was on paper. I was still feeling uneasy and scared because this could not work, and if it doesn't our time frame gets tighter every day. 

When we got home, I had several texts and a voicemail from our realtor saying that the expensive house had their other offer fall through and wanted our offer back on the table and to call her ASAP. Of course our realtor was really excited, but now we were thrown for a loop. I thought about it for a couple minutes (just because of size, it was much bigger that Betti's, and legalities), but really it was a no brainer, Betti's house is perfect for us. So we had to call our realtor and have a very awkward conversation that we were not going to offer on any houses because we were going to do a for sale by owner with our neighbor. It was very awkward. But she was happy for us that we found a house, because she knows how desperate we are. 

Friday Tim took off work. I had an appointment for an ultrasound in the morning so we were planning on Tim watching the boys and then using the rest of the day to go look at houses. Instead we researched how to buy a house and what we need to do and who we need and made phone calls. I went to my ultrasound in the morning. I was so thankful that the appointment went well. After everything with Micah this week, I needed Maelyn to be doing well. This appointment was really to make sure that she has grown enough, which she has. She is back to 30th percentile. Other than her heart, she looks healthy and adorable. They had just gotten a brand new machine the day before and were able to take some amazing 3D pictures of her. I got to my appointment early and they took me right in so I was able to get out early and I went on a massive Costco trip. It was nice to go by myself. We had been trying to not renew our membership until we really needed to, and really wanted to wait until after the move, but there was too much that I needed and didn't want to keep buying Kroger brand of (like diapers, wipes, syrup, cereal, dog food, ect.). When I got home I had a voicemail from Betti that she had talked to a family friend who is a realtor and could do everything for the sale for a really good deal. So I had Tim talk to her to compare what he had researched that morning. She gave us the guys phone number and Tim called him. He was really helpful, and explained a lot more about how house sales work in CO and that he was doing this as a favor to Betti because he knows that she is going through a hard time. Tim told him a little bit about us and our situation and that it was also a huge blessing to us. Since we had already agreed on a price before anyone else was involved, we don't feel like there is any kind of conflict of interest, he is just going to help process all the paper work. After talking to him and Betti yesterday it stared to feel a little more real. 

This morning, Saturday, we went over to Betti's house to sit down and write down the price we agreed on, pick a closing date and list out what she was going to include and not include in the sale of the house. This felt a little ridiculous because we had talked about it all the other day, so nothing was really up for debate or negotiated. We just needed to write it down so that we can tell Betti's realtor friend what to put on the contract. We discussed furniture and rugs she might leave, or sell us. We even talked about trading furniture because our sectional might work better in her townhouse. We spent a few hours there just talking to her and playing with her grand kids. We looked over the house again. It is beautiful. It needs nothing done. She has updated everything and done a great job. It is even perfectly painted. We will get a home inspection done and an appraisal will be done, but we are not expecting any big surprises. Also she is doing us such a favor and giving us such a good deal, we don't care what she leaves or takes or what the house needs done. I'm starting to feel more and more secure in that, this is going to happen, we have a house, we are going to buy Betti's house and only move four houses down the street. It still feels so surreal and nothing is legal yet but every time we talk to her, we know it's happening, there is no doubt. I just need it on legal paper work to really feel relief. Hopefully it will be on legal paperwork and signed by everyone, possibly by tonight. 

I know in my mind that this is exactly what I've been praying for. I knew God needed to literally hand us a house by someone. We needed to get in the back door because we couldn't compete with this market. But in my heart I am having a hard time trusting it because everything has just been going so poorly lately. It's feeling hard to accept the blessings in this time of troubles. I didn't expect that. Once we are moved in, I think I will feel that peace and comfort and blessing, but until I'm sleeping in that house, I don't think I'm going to really believe it. 

I am so thankful to everyone who has been praying for us, sending us little pick me up texts, emails, cards and gifts in the mail and supporting us in everything these last couple weeks. Thank you to everyone who has offered to help us pack and move, we will be taking you up on that the last week of April. I've been praising God for this nice weather, it really helps me feel better. Praise God for this house. It is exactly what we needed, and wanted. God knew how much I didn't want to leave our house, this street or this neighborhood. This house is on the same street and a very similar floor plan. It is probably the next best thing to not moving at all. If you have our current address, all that will change are the last three numbers of the house number. Pray that everything with this house sale goes smoothly (home inspection, appraisal, contract, financing, timing, moving) and that it all just works out. For our family, pray that Micah has a growth spurt and it is no longer a concern. Pray that he is able to have an easy and incident free blood draw this week. Continue to pray for our sanity as we get up at 2 am every night for him. Continue to pray for Maelyn. Her heart is still messed up, but we can still pray for healing and for best case scenarios. Pray for God to continue to prepare us all for what lies ahead for her. Pray for Benjamin, who is having a third birthday in just two weeks and is very excited about it! Pray for Tim and I as we start to pack and clean out and probably try to sell stuff. Pray for strength, energy, wisdom and joy. Oh and this morning, adding the chaos of everything, the dog cut his paw pretty bad in the backyard and got blood all over the house. So pray for Bentley, that his paw heals and we don't have to take him for stitches. 

Where is 'home'?

I am so beaten down. I'm exhausted, physically, and emotionally. I am loosing this battle called life right now. I don't know how to do it. Everything is just falling apart. I can't juggle it all, it's too much. I just want to run home to my childhood bed and curl up in a ball and hide from the world, but that bed, that house, is long gone. There is no such thing as "home" any more and there is no where to hide. I'm terrified, and I'm upset. How do I give my own kids that childhood safe haven to run home to and hide when we don't even have a house? How can I protect my kids when I feel like I'm falling? If it were just one or two things I could manage, but no house, pregnant, two toddlers, son's medical stuff, paying medical bills, up at 2 am, looking for a house, going to look at houses, writing offers, waiting to hear that they were rejected, figuring out how to afford that house, figuring out how to carry our house in PA, about to give birth, about to send newborn into open heart surgery (which is followed by recovery and more surgeries and the threat of death and no hope of a normal life), all on top of normal life, bills, dog, schedules, groceries, laundry, cleaning... It is all too much. I want to give up, I want to say no, I'm not going to do it! But I can't even do that! I feel like I've hit my breaking point and just kept going. How is that even possible? Simply growing a human is giving so much of yourself. My kids keep me going, which I feel guilty about. They are loving and happy and innocent and naive. Tim is trying. He is constantly positive and optimistic and faithful. But he works all day, and he misses so much time from work for doctors appointments, I'm afraid that taking even more time for house hunting is going to just put him over some edge. I don't know, but we need his job. He's so optimistic that sometimes I feel like he doesn't grasp the severity of our situation(s). Trust me, I sit online all day, refreshing the CO MLS waiting for houses to come on the market. Don't tell me you'll look for me, I've looked. Don't tell me to expand my search, I have. There are no houses out there for us right now. We were lucky to have found three, and we lost all three. I'm still looking for rentals, which we don't even want to rent any more, but there are no rentals out there for us either. Sure, if we get desperate we can rent an apartment, we wont be "homeless", you say, but that to me is one of the worst things that could happen. We would be spending way too much on rent, be in a space that is way too small, know we would be needing to be moving again soon, all while our daughter is born and in surgery and recovery for who knows how long and who knows what our boys will be doing. That is terrifying to me. Absolutely terrifying. I need to know that we have a house, a home, that my boys will be safe and comfortable in while the rest of my world comes crumbling down with the birth of my daughter in 2 months. When she is born, our world is going to stop. And we don't know for how long, possibly years. We will be living at the hospital, Tim will probably not be able to work, I will probably not be able to be home with the boys. That in itself is terrifying. I feel like no one gets that but me. We need to be settled into somewhere before that happens. Somewhere I can leave my boys and feel somewhat ok with it. I can't feel like our home is up in the air when the life of my daughter really is up in the air. And I feel like no one understands the importance of this, and this house we are looking for. So don't tell me, "something will come up", or "if you need to you could..." That doesn't help, I need a legitimately decent house that can be our home, our safe haven, for the next 3 years. And we need it now. 

House Hunting

I am already so sick of looking at houses. Tim and I both said we just want a magic wand to snap us into the future, where we are already settled into a new house, and skip the finding it and moving part. We have officially decided to attempt to buy a house now since we can not find anything we can afford to rent. There was a rental house that I wanted to look at but the listing person said that she couldn't show it until a certain date. So on that date I asked to go see it and she told me that the first person to look at it already put down a deposit. That was my final straw. That has happen to us too many times. We we can't find things that are affordable, no less get into see them.

We didn't get the first house we put an offer on. It needed a lot of work so we were not even willing to offer asking price. But someone else did. Last night we put an offer on another house. This one is in our same neighborhood, which to me is perfect, and it doesn't need work. Within a couple of hours we heard back that our, $10,000 over asking price offer, was too low to even be considered. So we talked about it and decided that staying in our neighborhood is of enough value to us to offer an even higher price and go over our own max budget. However, even with this ridiculous offer, we do not think we will get the house. We know there are a ton of other offers, all ridiculously over asking price. Which just blows my mind that the house is even worth that much. I'm just so frustrated that these houses are going for so much. Just in looking at houses this last month the market has increased so much. I'm afraid by next week the market will have gone up more and we wont be able to afford to buy any more either!

I'm so stressed about house hunting. And kind of mad. Looking for a house to buy is supposed to be fun and exciting. Sure a little stressful, but most of the time you are moving and looking to buy a house, because you want to and you are ready. Not because you are being told to leave your home and you are going to be homeless in less than 2 months if you don't find something. And house hunting is so tiring! Lugging two little kids and a big pregnant belly through one house after another is hard! I'm exhausted. Buying is a big deal, I don't want to settle, but I'm afraid we will have to due to our timeline. This was not our choice and it all just feels wrong. I thought that we would buy a house eventually, but when we were ready, and sure of where we were. I hate the pressure, I don't feel sure of anything, and I don't feel at peace about anything. We will hear tomorrow afternoon if we got this house in our neighborhood or not. If not we keep searching.

There is still so much that can go wrong. We need financing to work out, we need a house that will not depreciate in a couple years, we need Tim's job, and we need to keep tenants in our townhouse in PA. If anything else goes wrong we might just be homeless... I feel like I'm standing on a cliff that keeps slowly crumbling beneath my feet and I'm not sure when the next stone will drop. Thankfully we have had a lot of support from friends and family. But we need the bad news to stop and we need to get some really good news. We need to catch a break somewhere. 

Lord, what are you doing? Give me a sense of peace about all of this. Lord, don't just provide us a house, but a home, the right home for our family (and fast, please). 

One day at a time

Hooray! Micah is finally walking! He's not great at it, he doesn't really bend his knees and he doesn't know what to do with his hands, but he's doing it! And he's doing it on his own, all over the house. He thinks it's really funny and gets really excited when he walks across the room. The other night he was attempting to "run" away from us and thought it was hilarious. It is becoming normal for him to walk around the room, but Ben still needs to announce it to everyone and make sure I know that Micah is walking. Ben also likes to coach him and encourage him in his walking. It is so cute! He still doesn't stand up on his own, he has to crawl to something to help him pull himself up and then he walks. He still has a way to go but he is trying and he is motivated, so I am happy. He is also attempting more words which I am so glad about. He has started to say mama! Finally, I came after, daddy, Ben, Bentley, ball, apple, train, spoon, thank you, amen, ding ding, Elmo, blue bear... You catch my drift. He is almost the exact same age that Ben was when Micah was born and that seem so strange. Ben was 17 months, 3 weeks, when Micah was born and he was running and using short sentences. Micah is nowhere near that point. I hope he will get there before Maelyn is born.  

Micah walking/'running' last night with his lovies! (Don't mind our messy room)

I go through phases every day of being ok with everything and positive, to just a mess and overwhelmed. Honestly I think that not going to to social things this week and not seeing people has helped. Sorry people but you stress me out. I've also been trying to be more honest with people about what is going on and not pretending that everything is ok and that this pregnancy is a normal one. I went to the dentist this week and when he came in he asked me how life is. I said, crazy, and he asked why. I was like, really, you want to know? And he said he did because his life is boring so he lives vicariously through his patients drama, haha! So I was like well, we are expecting our third, my oldest will be 3 in a couple weeks, the baby is going to be born with a severe heart defect, needing several surgeries and we are loosing our house so we are looking for somewhere to live (I left out Micah's stuff, I just didn't know where to stick it in). The poor hygienist, who chatted with me the whole time, basically stopped talking. I think she was in shock because I hadn't said much to her about anything other than having 3 in 3 years, but she chatted away. The dentist was a little shocked too and didn't know what to say. He eventually said something about renting and agreed that it is super expensive right now and hard to find homes. He said something about how he thinks of his mother in law who has a huge house just for her and that she should do something with it. I agreed that we need someone like that to rent to us. He then gave me a free, quick filling, for a spot that wasn't a cavity yet but he was concerned about. I felt a little guilty, like I used my crappy life circumstances to get a free filling, but whatever, I was glad I didn't have to schedule another time to come back because I don't have time for that.

We are continuing our house hunt. We are looking at both rentals and houses for sale. If we can manage to buy we could get a house almost twice the size as what we could rent for the same monthly payment. But so much more goes into buying and I'm not sure if we are ready. I love the idea of buying, we could actually decorate and make it our own, invest in it.  But I am scared after how things have gone with our townhouse in PA, and we would be needing a lot of help from our loving and generous parents. I just don't trust the market or maybe our decision making ability, I don't know, it's just scary. It is also scary not knowing exactly how much we are going to be spending out of pocket on medical stuff. Renting seems safer, but at the same time it doesn't. We'd be throwing so much money into rent, be locked into a lease and still be living in someone elses home that we could loose and have to start looking all over again. There are so many 'ifs' and 'buts' and just uncertainties, I don't know how to make a decision, but I need to at least find options first. Part of that problem is things are going off the market in a matter of days, so that decision is going to need to be made fast. 

(I wrote that ^ yesterday...)

So, speaking of fast, we actually went to look at a house for sale last night and when we got home, found out they had just gotten an offer. So we quickly looked at comps in the area, called our parents, and talked about it, and decided to put in an offer. Our offer is quite a bit under asking, but it is what we really believe the house is worth, so we are comfortable with it. I just finished writing the sappiest letter of my life to the sellers, letting them know about us and our kids, to try and convince them to take our low offer over the other one. Once again using my kids crappy circumstances for our benefit. I feel so guilty but we need a house! And I didn't say anything that isn't true. But we are pretty confident that we are not going to get it. It also needs a lot of work. If we get the house I will be stressing over getting finances in order and being able to do the work it needs before we move in, and if we don't get it I will be stressing that we are back to square one looking for a house. So I'm nervous either way. But I know whatever happens will be for the best. 

Prayer requests... We are praying that God would just make it very clear what house he wants us in. Pray for finances. Finances for a house, for medical bills, for our family and our parents who want to help out. (Pray we get our tax return tomorrow!) We are still praying for healing for Mae and for continued good progress for Micah. Pray for my pregnant aching body! Continue to pray for Tim's job. We are feeling confident in it but we need good things to come. Pray for my incredible, optimistic, faithful, easy going husband who has been my source of sanity, that he would remain strong and stead fast and of sound mind. Pray for wisdom, peace and comfort as we take each day at a time, getting ready for all that we know is to come. I praise God for the minds of my kids and the child like faith. That they are so easy going, carefree, and positive. I pray that they don't loose that. I am so thankful for all of your prayer support. Please keep praying with us and for us. We can only get through this with the strength of our Lord. 

Getting too friendly with the Children's Hospital

Yesterday we went for a follow up with the fetal cardiologist. Since we were already scheduled there, I had my blood drawn at the Children's Hospital for my glucose test and the genetic testing for Glycogen Storage Disease. It felt good to kill 3 birds with one stone. I did feel a little weird having my blood drawn in a room meant for little kids, with a little butterfly needle and little tubes, but the phlebotomist reasured me that they do it all the time. (But really, I like the butterfly needle and feel like a chicken when I ask for it at the normal doctors!) We always have a good experience at the outpatient lab at the Children's Hospital. Everyone is very friendly and great at what they do. 

The cardiologist did another echo cardiogram on Maelyn's heart. It didn't take quite as long this time because they now know what they are looking at and looking for. Once again, she was not in the most ideal position so they had a hard time seeing everything clearly. I love that when I am pregnant I can really feel the baby. I can tell where the hands and feet and butt are. I can feel every kick and punch and wiggle and hiccup. This makes the ultrasounds even more fun. I get to see what I am feeling. She kept moving and I told them that she was punching me with her little fists and sure enough we checked and saw her give me one swift punch. It was really cool to confirm what I imagined those movements were. After the ultrasound, for some reason, I got nervous that something was going to be wrong or we were going to get worse news. But the cardiolosist reported that nothing has really changed. She still appears to be in the best condition for what she has. All of her valves seem to be working well and all of her arteries are good size. They are still checking the blockage of the pulmonary artery. This is where we want some blockage but not too much. They will not be certain about it until she is born and they can do an echo on her chest. At that point they can say for sure if she will need that first surgery or not. We are really praying she does not need it. 

I always think these pictures are kind of creepy, but neat.
Her hand is under her chin, and she's using the placenta as a pillow.

After the appointment we took a quick tour of the labor and delivery unit and that cardiac intensive care unit, where she will go after birth. We started with the CICU since it is on the 3rd floor with the cardiac clinic. It it very nice and looks like they will do a great taking care of her, but it looks pretty uncomfortable for us. Every room is essentially a fish bowl so that they can see everything from the nurses desk. There isn't a bathroom for the parents and the "bed" is a foam couch. If she can move to the regular cardiac unit the rooms will be more comfortable for us, but if she needs surgery she will probably be in the CICU for about a month. We went up to the 4th floor where labor and delivery will take place. Tim and I were shocked when we walked into the massive labor and delivery room. It was pretty sweet! I guess they have to be big for the dozen or so doctors and nurses that will probably need to be there. But there is also a table and chairs, a more slightly comfortable looking couch-bed, a recliner and the huge beautiful bathroom. I think it was the nicest bathroom I've ever been in. I will get to stay in that room on the 4th floor and she will be moved to her CICU room on the 3rd floor about an hour after birth. I am free to go down to her room whenever I am ready but her room is going to be much harder to recover in. There is no bathroom and no bed, the two things you really need after pushing a baby out of you. I'm also not allowed to pump in her room, since the room is a giant window. They are not sure how much I will be able to nurse her. We are praying that she will do so well that nursing will not be hindered, but I was told to plan on mostly pumping. I know it is going to be very hard for me to not be with her 24/7. When the boys were born I feel like I hardly ever put them down, and we never let them out of our sight. They were held all day and sometimes over night those first few nights. It is going to be hard to not get to hold her and snuggle her and nurse her, no less leaving her alone in her room. Tim and I were talking about how to do that. I don't know how we are going to do that. We just have to remember that she is different, and for her it will be better to be taken care of by medical professionals, than by snuggles. They need to get her well before we can smother her with love. (I might bribe the nurses to snuggle her though.) 

Tour the Labor and Delivery unit.

I also can't imagine being away from the boys so much. I know they will be fine, they are really good and do well for other people. But I am going to be an emotional wreck (not to mention the hormones from child birth making everything more intense). After I had Micah and was at the hospital, I heard a little kid outside my room and just started crying because I missed Ben, and it had been less than a day. Yesterday was a crazy day, and I only saw them for an hour before dinner time and I was surprised how much I needed to snuggle them as soon as I walked in the door. It is easier with Ben, although he is a momma's boy and he missed me a lot, I gave him a big hug and we were fine. But Micah is still so little and he is also a big momma's boy who spends most of the day on me or next to me, it is hard to not be with him. When I am even gone for an hour and get back he comes right to me needing to be held and honestly I need to hold him too. Last night we spent some time just sitting together doing nothing because we didn't see each other all day. He's my real snuggler and I think we have a special bond since he was such a hard baby, and everything he's gone through. How am I going to balance them at home and her in the hospital for weeks at a time? I am very thankful that it is only a 30-40 minute drive, not a road trip or plane ride, I'll just have to figure it out.

I have so many pictures just like this one. This is our typical spot, snuggled up together.

I am very grateful for the Children's Hospital here. I really trust them and I feel like she will get the best care that she will need. The facilities are great and the hospital has a warm and friendly feel, not overly "hospitally". I like it, but at the same time, walking in yesterday for my appointments, I couldn't help but feel slightly resentful towards it. I know how well I am going to get to know it, I know how much time I am going to be spending there, I know it's going to become our second home and that just makes a pit in my stomach. I don't want to have a relationship with a Children's Hospital. We are already close enough with all that Micah has been there for, I don't want to get even more friendly. While I was having blood drawn, I was chatting with the phlebotomist about all of Micah's blood draws. Then when I was getting ready to leave she made a comment about congratulation on the pregnancy, and, yay, it's not much longer now until shes born. And I stopped, and thanked her but explained that once she is born she is going to need all of this stuff and so I'm not really excitedly counting down the days. I don't usually tell people what is going on with her, I usually just smile and nod and say thanks. But she works at the hospital so I thought she should know, I'll be back, a lot.