How we are living

Ok, now that you know what's been going on with me, it's easier to update you on the whole family. We are all actually doing really well! We've been very busy (...busier than I like to be). I've had several appointments for me. I like to have evenings home, most every night, but evenings is when I've been taking care of me. Plus we've been busy with fun stuff. Tim and I had birthdays this month! Plus we celebrated friends birthdays and we have started community group again. I've been attending morning bible study and MOPS at our church. The boys are great. Ben loves school and learning and Micah loves trying to out-talk Ben. Micah's trying to figure out to hold his own against his older brother. They are both great big brothers and love Maelyn to pieces (sometimes too much). Maelyn is 11 months old. 11. months. old. phew. She loves to eat finger foods, she can out eat her brothers. She also loves books, anything with a face and anything her brothers are playing with. She started physical therapy for gross motor. At 10 months old, she assessed at a 5/6 month level, a 50% delay. Basically she sits. She doesn't crawl, roll or even scoot. She just started to be ok with being on her tummy and to like standing (but she has no balance). Maelyn also had a cardiologist follow up appointment this month. She did great. Her doctor said everything looks good. We have heard a lot of different timelines for her next surgery. The last we had heard was, when she is 3. But at this appointment her doctor said he thinks next summer. So that was news. Not that is necessarily good or bad news, and it's not even for sure, but it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. It was hard for me to hear. I usually get by by pretending that it isn't happening, or that it is super far away, so hearing "next summer" freaked me out. But I'm working through it. Maelyn's first birthday is also approaching fast! Which I think also had me in a weird funk, but after some praying and healing, I've let go of the burden I have been carrying of feeling like I wouldn't see the day, and instead just celebrating with JOY. We are all choosing joy, and living a life to the fullest. We have so much planned for the summer, so much ahead of us, and so much life to live!

Train museum and lolly pops 

Puff picnic with eachother

PJ - movie day (Micah opted to change out of his PJs)

11 month old! Standing up, growing hair, starting to loose those cheeks...

Honesty time

I've had every intention to maintain my blog and keep posting. My goal was twice a month. It has not been so easy since Maelyn recovered from surgery. I can blame that on everyone being well and not having numerous doctors appointments to catch you up on, but the reality is that I have not been able to post because it is me who is fighting now. It is easy to write about my kids and my family, but it is hard to write about myself. I want to be writing about the glorious Faithfulness of the light at the end of the tunnel, that was the year of 2015. But I'm struggling to live in it myself. 

2015 was a dark year. We walked through the shadow of death, we went through hell and back. We felt like Job, everything was being stripped away. But we survived. Not only that but we came out victorious. We came out with life, with prosperity, with redemption, with testimony. Living proof that Jesus over came the grave. How awesome is that?! 

And yet, I've been a mess these last several month. The only way I got through that whole year was the holy spirit, and fight or flight coping mechanisms, and then I crashed and I crashed hard. It started in November. Once we were "back to normal". I didn't know how to be normal. I didn't know how to not be in flight or flight mode any more. I didn't know how to process everything we went through. I've been carrying it all around like a giant weights that I didn't know how to get off of me. And the enemy was in my head repeating lies over and over again. By January I was in a very dark place. In February I tried to take a trip to NY to get away from everything. It didn't work. In March Tim was gone for 2 weeks and I just broke. It was a turning point. I was honest with him about how truly hard life was beating on me, how horrible I was feeling, that I was having a hard time getting through each day and that I couldn't do it alone. He agreed to try to stop traveling for awhile and to help me get help. 

I don't want to be ashamed or feel guilty, I want to be honest because it is reality. Depression is not something to be hidden, it should be brought into the light, where Jesus can heal and where accountability can hold us up. I'm only able to write this because I am healing. I am in a better place and most importantly, I am getting help. I've been seeing a therapist/pastor and a medical doctor. Both of while have been very supportive and helpful. I just found out that I have a the genetic disorder that predisposes one to depression. This was actually a relief to hear. I've wrestled with depression my whole life and now it all makes sense. I will not be using it as an excuse to be depressed but as a reason to fight harder and get the help I need, when I need it. That being said, Jesus has been my ultimate healer and helper. Jesus us the one who got me through past bouts of depression and He is the one healing me now. Through healing prayer with my therapist and through the name of Jesus, the weights are slowly coming off.