Honesty time

I've had every intention to maintain my blog and keep posting. My goal was twice a month. It has not been so easy since Maelyn recovered from surgery. I can blame that on everyone being well and not having numerous doctors appointments to catch you up on, but the reality is that I have not been able to post because it is me who is fighting now. It is easy to write about my kids and my family, but it is hard to write about myself. I want to be writing about the glorious Faithfulness of the light at the end of the tunnel, that was the year of 2015. But I'm struggling to live in it myself. 

2015 was a dark year. We walked through the shadow of death, we went through hell and back. We felt like Job, everything was being stripped away. But we survived. Not only that but we came out victorious. We came out with life, with prosperity, with redemption, with testimony. Living proof that Jesus over came the grave. How awesome is that?! 

And yet, I've been a mess these last several month. The only way I got through that whole year was the holy spirit, and fight or flight coping mechanisms, and then I crashed and I crashed hard. It started in November. Once we were "back to normal". I didn't know how to be normal. I didn't know how to not be in flight or flight mode any more. I didn't know how to process everything we went through. I've been carrying it all around like a giant weights that I didn't know how to get off of me. And the enemy was in my head repeating lies over and over again. By January I was in a very dark place. In February I tried to take a trip to NY to get away from everything. It didn't work. In March Tim was gone for 2 weeks and I just broke. It was a turning point. I was honest with him about how truly hard life was beating on me, how horrible I was feeling, that I was having a hard time getting through each day and that I couldn't do it alone. He agreed to try to stop traveling for awhile and to help me get help. 

I don't want to be ashamed or feel guilty, I want to be honest because it is reality. Depression is not something to be hidden, it should be brought into the light, where Jesus can heal and where accountability can hold us up. I'm only able to write this because I am healing. I am in a better place and most importantly, I am getting help. I've been seeing a therapist/pastor and a medical doctor. Both of while have been very supportive and helpful. I just found out that I have a the genetic disorder that predisposes one to depression. This was actually a relief to hear. I've wrestled with depression my whole life and now it all makes sense. I will not be using it as an excuse to be depressed but as a reason to fight harder and get the help I need, when I need it. That being said, Jesus has been my ultimate healer and helper. Jesus us the one who got me through past bouts of depression and He is the one healing me now. Through healing prayer with my therapist and through the name of Jesus, the weights are slowly coming off.