October 1

One year. This year has been long and hard but full of healing and growth. It has been one year since Maelyn's first surgery. Maelyn has come so far and grown so much. She started walking this week. She is starting to talk a ton. She has a pony tail! She is a toddler now. She is almost caught up on all normal developmental milestones. She is a miracle. Her oxygen saturation is still in the low 80's. She will have another hard open heart surgery in the next year. But she is strong willed, courageous, determined, self aware, silly, loving, affectionate and trusting. And those things make for an incredible warrior.

I've been wrestling with how to share my story and is it even my story to share, or is it my kids? But God has been showing me that I have my own story to tell and He has called me to do it. And Micah and Maelyn will have their own stories to share in their own time and they are going to be different than mine. I need to share all that God has taught me these last few years. God is calling me to tell my story, well actually His story, our story, of a mothers heart break but God's faithfulness, God's strength, and God's goodness. I have been trying to tell God that it's not time, I'm not ready, and He has been saying, it is always the time to share about me and of course you are not ready, you will never be ready, but I am ready to use you. So I'm going to start to write more and for the first time I'm going to stand up in front of a (small) group of women and share about my mothers heart. And I am so excited/nervous.

Not only is this the one year anniversary of her surgery but we also just had the two year anniversary of Micah's diagnosis. After my last post I realized that, as much as I love fall, fall has always been a hard season of life for me. It always brings the most change, which I hate, and it bring that sense of life and death, of mortality. But the reason I love fall regardless of all of all of that, is Jesus. God was able to give hope, beauty, new life and hope in the face of death. And isn't that is basically the story of our lives? With Jesus, there is no fear.

Let it fall

One of my favorite kid books is so simple but I just love it. It is called Let It Fall, by Maryann Cocca Leffler. It gives me warm fuzzies because it reminds me of Pennsylvania and I love fall. As I sit here editing this post, sipping tea, the wind is blowing, the leafs are rustling and the grass is covered in yellow. Fall just has a feeling in the air that I can't put into words. This year though, I wasn't sure I was ready for fall. This summer has been a whirl wind and it has hugely significant in my life. I feel like I've come out of my shell shock and stepped into the light again. I feel like I'm back, but I wasn't sure if fall would be too much to handle. As much as I love fall, I wasn't sure I was ready for the business of fall or the anniversary of Maelyn's surgery. But getting back into routine and getting involved in things has made me realize more and more that I am back and I am surprising ready for fall! Ben has started preschool, MOPS and Bible study have started. Maelyn is still in PT and Micah just had a birthday! The anniversary of surgery is not looming over me like I thought it was going to. Granted, I've been pretty distracted... 

I had been intentionally putting off updating the blog because August and September were, well, crazy. Tim and I realized that our life was just never meant to be low key, we will probably always be in a little bit of crazy, and I need to be ok with that. We literally sat down one night and had a discussion about how I would like this coming year to be uncrazy, settled and restful, while investing in our community, before we approach another surgery in the spring/summer. I can not make this stuff up folks, the very next morning, Tim went into work to find out that his company is shutting down all of Denver. That's right, all SMA America employees in Denver are going to be let go this fall. All, that is, except the 4 product managers (= Tim). At first they told Tim that they wanted to keep him on but move him to California. So I went into a little bit of panic mode, we are not, can not, move to California! Then the same day (again I can not make this stuff up) a friend sent Tim a message about a potential job on the east coast. So in one day it went from, let's really settle in here in Colorado, to, oh Lord what are you doing!? We have to move? California? There was also talk of a job in Washington (state.)? Or east coast? Can Tim just find another job locally? Do we want to stay here? Do we really want to move? Needless to say it was a huge shock but God is good and He has been giving us so much peace and as much patience as I can handle. He has been opening and closing doors and changing our hearts in the process. As of right now Tim has negotiated with his current company to stay on with them and work remotely from home, here in Colorado. This has been a huge blessing and relief. Tim is still keeping an eye out for possibilities to move us back east, however, with fall here and anticipation of another surgery, we are not feeling eager to move. This has all been so confusing. Since we moved to Colorado I have been begging God to either get me back east, or change my heart for Colorado. And after two and a half years of waiting on that prayer, it feels like He kind of gave me both and showed me how much my heart has changed for Colorado. But seriously, what do I do with that!? Isn't God funny. He always answers our prayers but almost never how we ask Him to. So the last 6 weeks or so we have been trying to figure out what we are doing. We've been getting the house ready, for either selling or staying. We've been praying for wisdom. We've been celebrating Micah! We've been busy. We've been kind of crazy, and I'm sure there is more craziness to come...

It is autumn, let it fall. 

Maelyn is (over) 14 months old

This is a bit late but I wanted to give a 14 month update on Maelyn because she is growing up so fast! All of a sudden she turned 14 months old and she has started to get words and lots of personality. She will let you know when she is upset or doesn't like something and she can be very stubborn (all mostly when I tell her no). She also started moving! We had been doing physical therapy for almost 4 months and progress was very slow. Then we got home from our trip to NY and she started cruising and crawling and then pulling her self up. It's like it all clicked and within about a week! So she's now fully mobile, without walking independently, but I'm sure that will come soon. It is a little scary though because she can be very adventurous and has no fear. Her new thing is trying to climb up the stairs just so she can try to throw herself back down, and she gets very upset when I don't let her. She also has gotten more hair and is starting to loose some of those luscious cheeks. She loves to laugh (especially with her brothers), dance and play peek. She is starting to do more intentional play, using blocks and cars. Her favorite thing to play right now is kitchen set. Her other favorite thing lately is our new kitty! Yes, PS, the day after we got home from vacation we adopted a kitten. The kids absolutely love her and she is very good with them. 

"Maelyn. No, no..."

Ben and his kitten.
Does this look familiar mom and dad? 

  

Me and my kitten in 1994(?)

Sorry for the silence

After Maelyn's birthday we went into summer mode and were getting ready to leave home for a whole month. That's right, we road tripped it from CO to NY. 1 minivan, 2 adults, 3 kids, 1 dog, and then spent 4 weeks there. We spent three weeks at Tim's grandmother's lake house on Cayuga Lake. The first two weeks were family time for us. It was great to have time just the 5 of us, enjoying our favorite place and feeling so normal! I realized that, for the first time in two years, we were able to finally have real family time. Time away from home, away from doctors, away from work, and it felt so good! We had so much fun having the kids experience the things we love. The lake, fishing, kayaking, boating, exploring the trees and the gully. They loved it too. We got to have some days with grandparents too which was fun! The third week were at the lake was the 4th holiday and was filled with family and extra fun! The kids got to spend time with cousins and loved having so many 'friends' around! The last week we were at my parents house. My sister and her family surprised us by flying in for the weekend! So we got to see all of our family, it was incredible. We were so blessed by seeing our kids with not only their grandparents but all of their cousins and all of their aunts and uncles, and both of their great grandmothers. Plus all of the other friends and family who came out to see us. It was an amazing trip. It was so great, but after 4 weeks away we were all ready to come home. The boys really missed their toys. I really missed my bed. The whole (very long) ride home we kept telling the boys to hang in there because we are headed home! And they were so happy to be home! They destroyed their play room as soon as they woke up (we got home around midnight). So we have been home for a week. We all came home with a cold, which has made adjusting to the time difference, catching up on sleep and getting back into normal routine hard. But it feels really good to be home! (Even though we miss being at the lake.)