Maelyn is turning 1

Maelyn is about to have her first birthday. Our miracle angel baby is about to be one year old. For a year I carried around the weight of thinking we wouldn't see the day. That is a heavy burden to bare. But I've finally let that go, and picked up joy and hope and new life. First birthdays are always a big milestone. Babies turn into toddlers, mothers get nostalgic of the day they went into labor, and so many family dynamics change. But for us, for me, for Maelyn, it means so much more. There was so much fear and uncertainty and grief and stress and 'what's-to-comes' when she was born. I was not certain she would see her first birthday, so I never let myself go there. And she's been through so much. Her first year of life has been so much more than most babies go through. But here she is. She is still fighting, she's still at lower oxygen saturation, she takes asprin every day, she gets weekly physical therapy, she has cardiology follow ups, she will have another open heart surgery, but, she is just perfect. She is silly, loving, and friendly. She is easy going and mellow, but stubborn and spunky. She loves her big brothers and her doggy. She loves playing ball and eating, she loves eating. She loves music and clapping. And she is so beautiful. Her birthday means so much more because it means new life. It means hope and future. It means I have a daughter, and I get to watch her grow up. It mean's she survived. It means she can do this, she can live with a heart that wasn't supposed to work. It means we get to have more birthdays with her. It means the world to me. 

I am not even sure how to adequately celebrate such a meaningful event. But then I remember, I don't have to, because we will have next year too. We have lots of fun family days planned this month and we are having a small, hearts and ice cream themed, birthday party at our house with friends. We are having an ice cream sunday bar and (hopfully if I can make them) ice cream cone cup cakes! The boys can't wait, they keep asking if it is her birthday yet so that they can eat special ice cream. We had some pictures taken, I can't wait to see them! And then after her her birthday, we will start getting ready for our big summer trip to NY, where we will hopefully get to celebrate with more family. 

Congenital Heart Defect research is really lacking. There is only 10-20 years of research available. This makes it difficult for doctors and families, because such little information is known. We don't know what Maelyn's future holds, because there are not many people out there with her kind of heart that are any older than me. For her birthday, I'd like to ask you to think about making a donation to help us celebrate her life.  She could always use more girly clothes or toys, and we could always take help paying off her medical bills, but really how awesome would it be to help other CHD kids and families find the same hope we've found? Donations to the Children's Hospital Colorado at http://www.childrenscoloradofoundation.org/ or to the Children's Heart Foundation at http://www.childrensheartfoundation.org/make-research-donation would be incredible gifts. You can also make easy donations when you shop from Amazon by going to smile.amazon.com and selecting either of those organizations. And as always, know that I am most thankful for your prayers. Praise God for giving us life and giving it to the full.

How we are living

Ok, now that you know what's been going on with me, it's easier to update you on the whole family. We are all actually doing really well! We've been very busy (...busier than I like to be). I've had several appointments for me. I like to have evenings home, most every night, but evenings is when I've been taking care of me. Plus we've been busy with fun stuff. Tim and I had birthdays this month! Plus we celebrated friends birthdays and we have started community group again. I've been attending morning bible study and MOPS at our church. The boys are great. Ben loves school and learning and Micah loves trying to out-talk Ben. Micah's trying to figure out to hold his own against his older brother. They are both great big brothers and love Maelyn to pieces (sometimes too much). Maelyn is 11 months old. 11. months. old. phew. She loves to eat finger foods, she can out eat her brothers. She also loves books, anything with a face and anything her brothers are playing with. She started physical therapy for gross motor. At 10 months old, she assessed at a 5/6 month level, a 50% delay. Basically she sits. She doesn't crawl, roll or even scoot. She just started to be ok with being on her tummy and to like standing (but she has no balance). Maelyn also had a cardiologist follow up appointment this month. She did great. Her doctor said everything looks good. We have heard a lot of different timelines for her next surgery. The last we had heard was, when she is 3. But at this appointment her doctor said he thinks next summer. So that was news. Not that is necessarily good or bad news, and it's not even for sure, but it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. It was hard for me to hear. I usually get by by pretending that it isn't happening, or that it is super far away, so hearing "next summer" freaked me out. But I'm working through it. Maelyn's first birthday is also approaching fast! Which I think also had me in a weird funk, but after some praying and healing, I've let go of the burden I have been carrying of feeling like I wouldn't see the day, and instead just celebrating with JOY. We are all choosing joy, and living a life to the fullest. We have so much planned for the summer, so much ahead of us, and so much life to live!

Train museum and lolly pops 

Puff picnic with eachother

PJ - movie day (Micah opted to change out of his PJs)

11 month old! Standing up, growing hair, starting to loose those cheeks...

Honesty time

I've had every intention to maintain my blog and keep posting. My goal was twice a month. It has not been so easy since Maelyn recovered from surgery. I can blame that on everyone being well and not having numerous doctors appointments to catch you up on, but the reality is that I have not been able to post because it is me who is fighting now. It is easy to write about my kids and my family, but it is hard to write about myself. I want to be writing about the glorious Faithfulness of the light at the end of the tunnel, that was the year of 2015. But I'm struggling to live in it myself. 

2015 was a dark year. We walked through the shadow of death, we went through hell and back. We felt like Job, everything was being stripped away. But we survived. Not only that but we came out victorious. We came out with life, with prosperity, with redemption, with testimony. Living proof that Jesus over came the grave. How awesome is that?! 

And yet, I've been a mess these last several month. The only way I got through that whole year was the holy spirit, and fight or flight coping mechanisms, and then I crashed and I crashed hard. It started in November. Once we were "back to normal". I didn't know how to be normal. I didn't know how to not be in flight or flight mode any more. I didn't know how to process everything we went through. I've been carrying it all around like a giant weights that I didn't know how to get off of me. And the enemy was in my head repeating lies over and over again. By January I was in a very dark place. In February I tried to take a trip to NY to get away from everything. It didn't work. In March Tim was gone for 2 weeks and I just broke. It was a turning point. I was honest with him about how truly hard life was beating on me, how horrible I was feeling, that I was having a hard time getting through each day and that I couldn't do it alone. He agreed to try to stop traveling for awhile and to help me get help. 

I don't want to be ashamed or feel guilty, I want to be honest because it is reality. Depression is not something to be hidden, it should be brought into the light, where Jesus can heal and where accountability can hold us up. I'm only able to write this because I am healing. I am in a better place and most importantly, I am getting help. I've been seeing a therapist/pastor and a medical doctor. Both of while have been very supportive and helpful. I just found out that I have a the genetic disorder that predisposes one to depression. This was actually a relief to hear. I've wrestled with depression my whole life and now it all makes sense. I will not be using it as an excuse to be depressed but as a reason to fight harder and get the help I need, when I need it. That being said, Jesus has been my ultimate healer and helper. Jesus us the one who got me through past bouts of depression and He is the one healing me now. Through healing prayer with my therapist and through the name of Jesus, the weights are slowly coming off. 

I have a 4 year old!?

Luckily, I have not had much to write about lately. But we spent the month of March preparing for Ben's birthday. Because his birthday was on Easter, I think I over compensated... Tim was gone for two weeks in the middle of the month so my parents came out to visit while he was gone. We had a little celebration for Ben while they were here and he kept calling it his pretend birthday. He got a special birthday boy t-shirt and he wore it when we went to the train museum. When we go home he got a couple presents from nana and g-pa and then had cupcakes.

 Then the week of his real birthday we had a combined birthday party with friends who's son turned 4 the day before Ben. We went to a play center with friends and had pizza and cupcakes. Driving home from this, an exhausted Ben called from the back seat of the van, "mommy, am I four yet?"... 
Then the day before his birthday we had our family birthday day with presents, facetimeing with family and more cupcakes. 

And then by the morning of his actual birthday I was in Easter mode and kind of forgot that it was the actual day! In the morning we gave Easter baskets and got dressed in our Easter clothes, then I remembered! I asked Ben what he wanted for breakfast and told him he could have anything he wanted because it was his birthday, and he chose pepperoni. I don't know why, I don't know where he thought of it, but I had some, so he had pepperoni for breakfast on his 4th birthday. Ben got to wear his birthday boy pin to church and we ran to the grocery store for cake after nap time! We had an Easter dinner at our house with friends and had a little egg hunt in the family room for the 4 boys (Ben being the oldest). Then some more friends joined us for cake and a game night. Everyone made Ben feel very special. It was a great Easter. Ben is very happy to finally be four.